It’s the end of another exhausting week full of long days, shit loads of stress and ridiculous deadlines – and with no time to breathe. In the car on the way home you ask yourself: “what did I actually achieve this week?”
To start with you go blank, it’s like your brain has shut down. But you stick with it, because for fuck’s sake you must have achieved loads because you’ve been so busy.
Eventually the list of stuff you’ve done starts to scroll through your head like a conveyor belt, as though you’re seeing it for the first time. But rather than feeling proud you actually feel fucked off because you know that none of it was intended!
How did that happen?!
Then you have flashbacks to your intentions at the start of the week, and the huge gulf is staring back at you.
And just as you were desperate to switch off and relax this weekend, you now know you’re going to have to make time to catch-up before Monday morning arrives, with the all too familiar impact on the plans with your family.
And suddenly it’s Monday morning. You’re about to walk into that meeting all too aware of how you need to come across in order for them to take you seriously.
The Performance Game
The reason this sounds familiar is that you’ve been playing a game you never chose to play. It’s called the Performance Game.
The rules of this game teach us that in order to get on in life, we have to control how others perceive us at all times.
That’s why when your friends or colleagues find something funny, and you don’t - you laugh anyway. It’s why you decided to watch that box set everyone’s talking about, even though you know it’s not your thing. And it’s why you spend 25 minutes deliberating over a simple email to a colleague despite knowing exactly what you needed to say in the first couple of minutes - you’ve been brainwashed into controlling their reaction.
It’s why whatever you’re focusing on at work, you respond to other interruptions immediately as though any one of them is a higher priority, even when they’re not.
And when someone in your team challenges you and they’re right, rather than concede you double-down on your authority to avoid looking weak.
And that new company “bright future” initiative - you always knew it was nothing but a cost-cutting exercise yet you went along with it anyway, to avoid being “the difficult one”.
And it’s the same reason you say yes to new demands when you’re already beyond full capacity, despite knowing full well the impact it will have on you.
And you know what the worst thing about this is?
This “Performance” of yours is felt by others too – it feels unnatural to them and damages the human connection.
And that’s the greatest irony of all. The very thing your performance was designed to do - make people accept you, in fact does the polar opposite - it pushes them away!
So as a result, you’re constantly chasing something you can never catch. You create lots of to do lists yet never get that accomplished feeling from getting them done.
It’s both confusing and frustrating in equal measure. You spend every waking minute trying to do the right thing - please others, meet expectations, get stuff done, regain control yet nothing ever improves.
Your emotional state is dominated by negativity, from moaning that you feel put upon by others, to frustration that you never achieve what you set out to achieve, despite endless planning and monumental effort. Then there’s the guilt from letting work colleagues down, or family / friends and often both. This constant cycle is exhausting.
And because of this you soon lose all sight of who you actually are and confusion sets in. Am I successful, am I capable, am I really a good Dad? You always thought you were, but this constant maelstrom is presenting evidence that maybe you’re not - if you were, things would be different, wouldn’t they?
At times it feels like you’re living someone else’s story.
And even when you are successful or do accomplish something, it still doesn’t feel like your success because it’s only happened by you trying to be someone you’re clearly not.
The Human Game
But the Performance Game is a trap you can escape. You do so by “playing” the Human Game instead.
The Human Game is for people who want to do well in life both personally and professionally but without feeling constantly burdened by the perception of others and all the shit that comes with it.
By stark contrast, In the Human Game - everything changes, and it all centres around this:
You realise that focusing on the perception of others is not the way to get what you want in life. In fact, it’s a sure-fire way to guarantee the opposite.
Instead, you calmly and intentionally navigate daily life without drama.
So, when your colleague asks whether you can take over as project lead for the next couple of weeks whilst she’s on holiday, it’s really simple. You consider her request, weigh it up and respond accordingly. You even allow yourself that brief moment when she knows you’re thinking - you pause and look away leaving an uncomfortable silence. Except you’re not uncomfortable, because you’re entirely focused on the matter at hand, not the performance, not the perception and not the consequences.
For the first time you’re actually choosing the outcomes that make most sense for you; No more second guessing. No more aftermath. And absolutely no drama - just your choice, period.
And when your boss asks for your opinion on something where you know you disagree, you simply share your honest thoughts, and you explain to them why. Frankly, that may be just what they needed but even if not, you’ve been heard whether they choose to agree or not.
And then there’s that question that takes you by surprise - you know some of the answer but there are gaps. But rather than telling yourself you “should know” and start desperately trying to cover your tracks, you just tell it as it is and own that truth.
The strangest thing is that very soon after you stop focussing on how others perceive you, their perception of you starts to improve.
You feel good because now, nobody gets angry or offended, and nobody looks stupid. There’s more awareness and respect, better quality insight and increased credibility.
That gradual rock-solid evidence-based realisation builds from the ground up, and that right there is where quiet unshakeable confidence starts.
What changes between people
But there’s far more to it than that - and that’s the impact it has on others.
At the beginning, the conversation is as it always was – performative where everything is designed to achieve the desired impression.
But soon they notice something different in the way you’re communicating. More natural, less hard work, easier and comfortable.
Their breathing slows, the frown becomes a smile. Their shoulders relax and the stomach tension’s gone.
They hadn’t even noticed the tension until it wasn’t there.
They talk freely and without constraint like they haven’t done in years. It’s like playing in the sandpit as a kid all over again.
This “new” way of being draws everyone towards you, and their interactions now make them feel so much better too. People want you on their team, they ask for follow-ups, they develop longer term connections and relationships, just generally like spending more time with you. Because the Human Game gives you more than you could ever have got from the Performance Game, and without the need to perform!
Working together
So if you work with me, you work with someone who’s spent decades playing the Performance Game.
We’ll start by exploring where the Performance is showing up most, along with where it’s wanted, and where it isn’t.
And then we’ll focus on where it’s unwanted. We’ll examine the huge negative impact this has had on you for as far back as you can remember. We’ll look at the impact on your work life and on your home life. On relationships, confidence and anxiety levels. On your career, your health and contentment. We’ll look at where it’s held you back from things you wanted to do and propelled you into things you didn’t. And so much more.
Within all of this, we’ll separate truth from belief in the areas that matter, and we’ll examine this closely until we see it clearly.
And this work will start to reveal priorities. We’ll agree on this and then start taking action. Action that will free you from the Performance Game, and action that will teach you how to play the Human Game instead.
This process will have a huge impact on every area of your life and I’ll support you every step of the way.
So what are you waiting for? This will be the most important journey of your life and it all starts with the first step – drop me a line and let’s talk.